Originally, the Mr. & I wanted to nix wedding favors completely. It was something that we thought would be a complete waste of time and money. I couldn't think of a single person I knew who held on to a wedding favor and have my own share of stories from weddings (mostly Filipino!) that had favors that I knew no one would hold on to after the party. Most, in my opinion, were completely useless.
So we thought it would be neat to make a charitable donation to a Filipino organization and an American organization. Yay! Simple enough, right?
Or so I thought. Until I started explaining this to several female relatives. I didn't really bring up what I was going to do with wedding favors. But they asked! Here is a summary of how the conversations went with three separate people:
Tita: "Oooooh, will you hab your wedding paybors?"
FilAm Bride: "Well, we're thinking about doing a charitable donation instead to one Filipino organization and one American one. I haven't decided which ones yet but I thought it would be nice to do that. We would do it on behalf on the guests. TheFiance and I went to a reception that did something like that and we thought it was nice."
Tita: "Ooooh, hokay. Dat's so nice! Dey will really like dat especially if you pick a group that they know about."
FilAm Bride, thinking to myself: Oh cool!
Tita: "And also, you will hab a paybor, right?"
FilAmBride: *sigh*
Having this conversation with my mom was one thing. But it ended up repeating itself with two other people, both of who immediately asked me about wedding favors shortly after hearing about my engagement. Seriously, WTF. But then I thought a little more and the custom of pasalubong came to mind. I also thought about the prospect of having to explain this to my Lola, in Tagalog, and groaned inside. I'm already in trouble due to language limitations in having to explain to her that Unitarian Universalism, our new religion and wedding ceremony, isn't a Satanic cult.
I then said to TheFiance, "We're probably gonna have to do wedding favors. It's sort of expected, I guess. I thought the donation thing would be fine. It's not that they disapprove but I just don't think they get that the donations are supposed to be given in lieu of wedding favors. And I am thinking about how annoying it'll be to explain it to anyone else who asks when even my mom won't be able to explain in a way that doesn't make it look bad. It's just easier to have them, I think." I then explained the custom of pasalubong to him, which I unconsciously still practice from time to time when I go on a trip.
In my experience with my own family and interacting with other Filipinos, having "something to take home" is something that's just really important. And as I walk the line between our own liberal, very American relationship and the cultural traditions of my upbringing, I continue to be reminded that sometimes, there are some battles that you need to fight and others that aren't so bad for you to lose. Dealing with wedding favors isn't a big deal in the long run, so long as we don't go broke over it. Compromising the ceremony that we want is a bigger deal and a fight, to us, worth fighting.
Now I'm toying around with favor ideas in my head. I'd like to incorporate knitting somehow, since I am a knitter and it would be a great way to personalize the favors and use my yarn stash.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A Tough Choice
Today, I made a very difficult decision which I need to document here. I believe it is fully relevant as a reflection of the mix of a cultural upbringing that I've had.
I refer, of course, to the relationship that some Filipino Americans have with their parents. Most that I've met in my life have a pretty good relationship with their parents and why wouldn't they? First generation parents, especially, have made a ton of sacrifices for their children. They can be very supportive, sometimes to the point of being smothering. They work hard to make sure that their children have better lives than the ones that they had in the Philippines. Within the culture, respect for one's elders, especially one's parents, is a law. The decisions that parents make are inviolate and aren't meant to be questioned by children.
And then there's my relationship with my own Filipino immigrant parents. My parents fit into a sort of grey area between what I just described and... something that isn't so great.
I have a really complicated relationship with my parents and it's not something that I've really had to deal with until I decided to get married. My parents divorced after 20+ years and both my sister and I have concluded that the divorce was for the best.
I get along with my mother but this wasn't always the case. We talk to each other once a week, sometimes more. We do holidays together. I help her out with my youngest sister. Lately, our conversations have been strained because I recently had to spell out to her that I had no plans or desires to invite my father to my wedding. It was something that she had been trying to push me into doing. Your guess is as good as mine - they're divorced and the separation was far from amicable. I wasn't really trying to bring the topic up or anything but it was something that just kept coming up in conversation and would throw me into an emotional tailspin for a few days. It drove me and TheFiance nuts.
I'm not really close to my father and I have very few good memories with him, if any at all. There are multiple reasons for this that I won't post here, out of respect for him. I've spoken to him only twice in the past three years and have only seen him once within that timeframe. The one visit required a great deal of mental preparation and even with that, left me with feelings of pent-up anger and irritation. It doesn't take much from him these days to set me off.
Even so, I thought of at least inviting Dad as a guest with his wife to our wedding, even though I had many misgivings about him being there. I knew that he would probably come, if only out of curiosity to see how my mother and old family friends are doing. However, this wasn't good enough for my mother. She had this image in her head of the both of them walking me down the aisle and when she discussed this with me as if it were already a "done deal", I knew that I had to make a decision, one way or another. I told her that having him do anything like that wasn't an option and as she continued to push, I thought about it more and discussed things with my fiance.
Wedding planning is already going to be stressful for me. I really shouldn't be using it as an opportunity to repair a poor relationship with my father and I can't have the specter of his presence getting in the way of what should be a very happy celebration of my own relationship.
Shortly put, it's just easier for us if he doesn't attend. Mom didn't really take this news well because apparently, even though they're divorced and she knows that I avoid all interaction with my father at all costs, our "family values" dictate that I should not only invite my father to my wedding but also have him walk me down the aisle. She blames my decision on the fact that I was born and raised in America.
Be that as it may, I can't help but feel relief right now that I don't have the same sense of obligation that other children might have for this sort of thing.
I refer, of course, to the relationship that some Filipino Americans have with their parents. Most that I've met in my life have a pretty good relationship with their parents and why wouldn't they? First generation parents, especially, have made a ton of sacrifices for their children. They can be very supportive, sometimes to the point of being smothering. They work hard to make sure that their children have better lives than the ones that they had in the Philippines. Within the culture, respect for one's elders, especially one's parents, is a law. The decisions that parents make are inviolate and aren't meant to be questioned by children.
And then there's my relationship with my own Filipino immigrant parents. My parents fit into a sort of grey area between what I just described and... something that isn't so great.
I have a really complicated relationship with my parents and it's not something that I've really had to deal with until I decided to get married. My parents divorced after 20+ years and both my sister and I have concluded that the divorce was for the best.
I get along with my mother but this wasn't always the case. We talk to each other once a week, sometimes more. We do holidays together. I help her out with my youngest sister. Lately, our conversations have been strained because I recently had to spell out to her that I had no plans or desires to invite my father to my wedding. It was something that she had been trying to push me into doing. Your guess is as good as mine - they're divorced and the separation was far from amicable. I wasn't really trying to bring the topic up or anything but it was something that just kept coming up in conversation and would throw me into an emotional tailspin for a few days. It drove me and TheFiance nuts.
I'm not really close to my father and I have very few good memories with him, if any at all. There are multiple reasons for this that I won't post here, out of respect for him. I've spoken to him only twice in the past three years and have only seen him once within that timeframe. The one visit required a great deal of mental preparation and even with that, left me with feelings of pent-up anger and irritation. It doesn't take much from him these days to set me off.
Even so, I thought of at least inviting Dad as a guest with his wife to our wedding, even though I had many misgivings about him being there. I knew that he would probably come, if only out of curiosity to see how my mother and old family friends are doing. However, this wasn't good enough for my mother. She had this image in her head of the both of them walking me down the aisle and when she discussed this with me as if it were already a "done deal", I knew that I had to make a decision, one way or another. I told her that having him do anything like that wasn't an option and as she continued to push, I thought about it more and discussed things with my fiance.
Wedding planning is already going to be stressful for me. I really shouldn't be using it as an opportunity to repair a poor relationship with my father and I can't have the specter of his presence getting in the way of what should be a very happy celebration of my own relationship.
Shortly put, it's just easier for us if he doesn't attend. Mom didn't really take this news well because apparently, even though they're divorced and she knows that I avoid all interaction with my father at all costs, our "family values" dictate that I should not only invite my father to my wedding but also have him walk me down the aisle. She blames my decision on the fact that I was born and raised in America.
Be that as it may, I can't help but feel relief right now that I don't have the same sense of obligation that other children might have for this sort of thing.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Wedding Invitations, part 1
And so... my search for affordable, acceptable invitations begins.
As some of you might know, most standard Filipino wedding invites are huge in comparison to American ones. See this:
There's a separate page for the invite itself and a page for the wedding entourage as well. The reason for this is because traditional Philippine weddings incorporate the following:
So anyway, I had this idea in my head that blowing money on wedding stationary meant having to invest in 2-page long invites, 4+ different cards with information on them, and possibly having to send to the Philippines for materials.
I had a brief explosion of happiness when my fiance informed me that many American wedding invites are only a page long. Research online confirmed this. I was determined to try to figure out a way to make my invites only a page long and realized that there would be no way I could do this without cutting out the "wedding entourage" list entirely. I really wanted to make this work since I was planning on doing online invites with paper copies for the non-tech folks.
All of the online invite services I'd seen so far could not properly accommodate a 2-page invite. Hmmm...
Could I cut this list out entirely? I thought. Maybe I'll just put it in the programs. Oooh, I could just nix having sponsors entirely and save myself a ton of drama. We're not even having a Catholic wedding anyway.
I decided to give my mom a buzz to run this idea by her. Since the company on my side will primarily be Filipino, I needed to make sure that cutting sponsors out of the invite wouldn't offend any of the various Titas or start tongues wagging on the nearest phone call to Tarlac.
In summary, Mom wants the sponsors on the invite: "It's important so dat I can hooonor da people who know us like your Tita Baby and Tito Edgar. And da ones kaming prom da Philippines." I briefly entertained the idea of pushing my thoughts on this one but decided to drop it. It was only recently that she had gotten past the idea of us nixing the Catholic church wedding. Best not to push my luck on something that's pretty low on the priority scale. Since we'll have having elements of a traditional Filipino (Roman Catholic) wedding in ours and I've already set Mom's expectations for this, I can't see a way to easily nix this.
(Note to engaged couples: For your wedding, remember to pick your battles! I've learned that it's not worth trying to push your way on every single thing. Save that energy for the stuff that is truly important to you and your partner. In my case, having the ceremony the way that we both want it is important to me. That meant having to work through a explosive discussion with my mother and Nanay (lola) but it needed to be done so that they could understand that a cathedral wedding, which is possible through a family connection, was not in the cards for us. This is still a work in progress!)
On the cool side, she apparently knows that some of these people use the internet frequently and would not mind receiving an online invite or doing an online RSVP. Perhaps I can call that the "American" version of our invitation. I can probably still save money since I won't have to print as many paper versions of the invites. Sounds like a good compromise to me.
As some of you might know, most standard Filipino wedding invites are huge in comparison to American ones. See this:
 | ||
| A version of the standard Philippine wedding invite. Invitation in the center, bridal entourage list on the left. (holy cow! there's a lot of people!) |
- The wedding party is usually huge because of people known as sponsors. Sponsors are a big deal to some Filipinos, at least the ones that I know who care about weddings. In the case of my wedding - all of the ones that I know really care about sponsors but I'm trying not to generalize. Sponsors are generally involved in parts of the ceremony, such as the veil, candle, and cord part.
- Being a sponsor in my Philippine world is considered a nice way to honor family members and close family friends.
- These sponsors, in addition to the names of people in the bride & groom's party, get their names listed in the invitation and usually walk down the aisle as well. There might be some other stuff they do but this highly varies by wedding.
So anyway, I had this idea in my head that blowing money on wedding stationary meant having to invest in 2-page long invites, 4+ different cards with information on them, and possibly having to send to the Philippines for materials.
I had a brief explosion of happiness when my fiance informed me that many American wedding invites are only a page long. Research online confirmed this. I was determined to try to figure out a way to make my invites only a page long and realized that there would be no way I could do this without cutting out the "wedding entourage" list entirely. I really wanted to make this work since I was planning on doing online invites with paper copies for the non-tech folks.
All of the online invite services I'd seen so far could not properly accommodate a 2-page invite. Hmmm...
Could I cut this list out entirely? I thought. Maybe I'll just put it in the programs. Oooh, I could just nix having sponsors entirely and save myself a ton of drama. We're not even having a Catholic wedding anyway.
I decided to give my mom a buzz to run this idea by her. Since the company on my side will primarily be Filipino, I needed to make sure that cutting sponsors out of the invite wouldn't offend any of the various Titas or start tongues wagging on the nearest phone call to Tarlac.
In summary, Mom wants the sponsors on the invite: "It's important so dat I can hooonor da people who know us like your Tita Baby and Tito Edgar. And da ones kaming prom da Philippines." I briefly entertained the idea of pushing my thoughts on this one but decided to drop it. It was only recently that she had gotten past the idea of us nixing the Catholic church wedding. Best not to push my luck on something that's pretty low on the priority scale. Since we'll have having elements of a traditional Filipino (Roman Catholic) wedding in ours and I've already set Mom's expectations for this, I can't see a way to easily nix this.
(Note to engaged couples: For your wedding, remember to pick your battles! I've learned that it's not worth trying to push your way on every single thing. Save that energy for the stuff that is truly important to you and your partner. In my case, having the ceremony the way that we both want it is important to me. That meant having to work through a explosive discussion with my mother and Nanay (lola) but it needed to be done so that they could understand that a cathedral wedding, which is possible through a family connection, was not in the cards for us. This is still a work in progress!)
On the cool side, she apparently knows that some of these people use the internet frequently and would not mind receiving an online invite or doing an online RSVP. Perhaps I can call that the "American" version of our invitation. I can probably still save money since I won't have to print as many paper versions of the invites. Sounds like a good compromise to me.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Intro
In July 2011, I got engaged to my mister, a WASP who has quickly realized the hell that he's signed up for. Of course, I don't refer to his marriage to me but rather, the process of planning a wedding and keeping both sides of our family happy while staying true to ourselves.
So far, we've had to tred lightly on both of our sides as we plan to accommodate for the following:
So far, we've had to tred lightly on both of our sides as we plan to accommodate for the following:
- My Filipino roots. I come from a family of immigrants. I lived in the Philippines for a short time when I was a teenager and have many relatives that know me over there, some of which will be traveling to NJ for the wedding.
- Our newly found Unitarian Universalist roots. Earlier this year, we joined a Unitarian Universalist church. For those who don't know, it's a liberal faith with roots in Christianity. We have our hearts on having a Unitarian Universalist (UU) wedding ceremony.
- Our desire to have a non-denominational, secular wedding with Filipino elements in it. Research online shows me that this is pretty popular with some people. Wish me luck as I explain this to my mother and others ;-)
I'm hoping that this blog can be a resource for other brides (Fil-Am or not) that are in the process of planning a multicultural wedding. If anything, it shows you that you're not alone!
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