Today, I made a very difficult decision which I need to document here. I believe it is fully relevant as a reflection of the mix of a cultural upbringing that I've had.
I refer, of course, to the relationship that some Filipino Americans have with their parents. Most that I've met in my life have a pretty good relationship with their parents and why wouldn't they? First generation parents, especially, have made a ton of sacrifices for their children. They can be very supportive, sometimes to the point of being smothering. They work hard to make sure that their children have better lives than the ones that they had in the Philippines. Within the culture, respect for one's elders, especially one's parents, is a law. The decisions that parents make are inviolate and aren't meant to be questioned by children.
And then there's my relationship with my own Filipino immigrant parents. My parents fit into a sort of grey area between what I just described and... something that isn't so great.
I have a really complicated relationship with my parents and it's not something that I've really had to deal with until I decided to get married. My parents divorced after 20+ years and both my sister and I have concluded that the divorce was for the best.
I get along with my mother but this wasn't always the case. We talk to each other once a week, sometimes more. We do holidays together. I help her out with my youngest sister. Lately, our conversations have been strained because I recently had to spell out to her that I had no plans or desires to invite my father to my wedding. It was something that she had been trying to push me into doing. Your guess is as good as mine - they're divorced and the separation was far from amicable. I wasn't really trying to bring the topic up or anything but it was something that just kept coming up in conversation and would throw me into an emotional tailspin for a few days. It drove me and TheFiance nuts.
I'm not really close to my father and I have very few good memories with him, if any at all. There are multiple reasons for this that I won't post here, out of respect for him. I've spoken to him only twice in the past three years and have only seen him once within that timeframe. The one visit required a great deal of mental preparation and even with that, left me with feelings of pent-up anger and irritation. It doesn't take much from him these days to set me off.
Even so, I thought of at least inviting Dad as a guest with his wife to our wedding, even though I had many misgivings about him being there. I knew that he would probably come, if only out of curiosity to see how my mother and old family friends are doing. However, this wasn't good enough for my mother. She had this image in her head of the both of them walking me down the aisle and when she discussed this with me as if it were already a "done deal", I knew that I had to make a decision, one way or another. I told her that having him do anything like that wasn't an option and as she continued to push, I thought about it more and discussed things with my fiance.
Wedding planning is already going to be stressful for me. I really shouldn't be using it as an opportunity to repair a poor relationship with my father and I can't have the specter of his presence getting in the way of what should be a very happy celebration of my own relationship.
Shortly put, it's just easier for us if he doesn't attend. Mom didn't really take this news well because apparently, even though they're divorced and she knows that I avoid all interaction with my father at all costs, our "family values" dictate that I should not only invite my father to my wedding but also have him walk me down the aisle. She blames my decision on the fact that I was born and raised in America.
Be that as it may, I can't help but feel relief right now that I don't have the same sense of obligation that other children might have for this sort of thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment